Forever Young Part 2: Ashes to Ashes
by DARWIN51
Summary: "We didn't make it. Maybe it was the weight of the gun. Maybe it was the darkness. Maybe it was the pure fact that we couldn't have made it, no matter how hard we tried. But in those last few ticking seconds, I chose myself over them. What would you have done?" How the team deals with a deadly explosion. Kensi pov. Neric, Densi,involves whole team. Warning: angst


**This story, which I think is the best of the series, was the stem of parts 1, 2 ½, and 3, was inspired by thegothandthegeek's story: **** s/8509357/1/oh-the-years-burn-burn-burn-writer-s-cut**** it's pretty great you should check it out. **

**Again with the warning: this is a sad story. There is character death. Don't say I didn't warn you. Also, I don't own the characters, I just like to torture them in my spare time. This took me literally months and at least 5 points off my grade average, so please please review. Oh yeah, and see how many references you can spot! There are 13 total: 4 TV; 4 movie; 3 songs; 2 comic books. Bonus if you can catch the stores!**

**Here is the playlist for this part:**

**Forever Young- Rod Stewart**

**Afterglow- Genesis**

**Northern Downpour- Panic at The Disco  
Through Glass- Stone Sour  
I will follow you into the dark- Death cab for cutie  
Darkest Dreaming- David Sylvian  
If you have anything to add, let me know! Finally, without further ado,**

Forever Young: Part 2: Ashes to Ashes

We didn't make it. Maybe it was the weight of the gun. Maybe it was the darkness. Maybe it was the pure fact that we _couldn't_ have made it, no matter how hard we tried. But in those last few ticking seconds, I chose myself over them. What would you have done?

In the aftermath, I remember the blackness of ashes and soot, swirling down the drain. I remember questions, so many questions. I remember helplessness. Seeing one black bag and one white bed, both being taken away. I remember my ears ringing, but that always wears off eventually, but the ticking echoing in my head did not stop.  
There was no actual ticking, at least none that I heard. When they tripped the wire and the countdown began, the ticking was in all of our heads. But I didn't reach them in time. In that turning moment, when the chance of reaching them seems impossible, and you face the decision of trying to get to them anyway or giving up and saving yourself, leaving them to die, what would you choose?

The task was simple: get in, get the files, get out. I was just there for backup. No one had the skills to hack the terrorist's system and get the files needed except the techs. Our job was to wait outside the building in case there was trouble. We didn't expect any complications, but then again, no one does. No one plans for these things to happen. It was never that easy. Through my earpiece I heard Eric mumbling to himself, or maybe to Nell. Then I heard panic. "I-I don't think that was supposed to happen!" his voice getting louder as he spoke.  
Our move. Deeks took the south side of the building, I took north. I got in through a basement window, but I was blind. The maze never seemed to end. This nagging in the back of my head was telling me that I wasn't going to make it in time, but I shut it out.  
Through the midst of bumping into walls in the dark, I heard the words that I feared the most: "Kensi, Deeks, get out of there!" Sam's voice was pained. He knew that leaving the building would mean abandoning Eric and Nell for good.  
I didn't have time to get out. I also had no idea how much time was left, and as I ducked into a closet, I stood there covering my head, waiting. With each passing second, I couldn't help but think that I could be saving them right now. It occurred to me that this was probably just a false alarm, who would blow up their whole central tech system just to take out a couple of harmless geeks? Anyone smart enough to- BOOOM

_I sat in the half-circle booth at the bar, with Nell on the end to my right, Deeks on my left, Eric next to him, and Sam and Callen across from us. Drinks were on Sam, and the bar wasn't too crowded. It was serene, but not quiet as the regular crowd shuffled in, and it felt like a scene straight out of Cheers. Nell, Eric, and Deeks were having a heated discussion about superheroes, while Sam, Callen, and I could only stare at each other with confusion and amusement._

"_Spiderman is _definitely_ and Avenger, right Nell?" Eric said. _

"_No, he's not! Did you even see the movie?" Deeks quipped. _

_Nell and Eric looked at each other in disbelief. "Seriously? You're basing your information on the _movie?_" Nell said, outraged. "He was not an _original_ Avenger, but he made appearances in the later _comic books _as an Avenger."_

_That got Deeks to shut up. I scanned the room. It was getting crowded as the regular crowd shuffled in. I rubbed my hands on the outside of my glass, getting them wet. Deeks blew a straw wrapper at me, and I licked it then stuffed it in his drink. _

"_Cooties!" He cried. I took another sip from my margarita. Nell had surprised everyone by getting a beer. Sam and Callen had beers, too, Eric had a gin & tonic. _

"_Kensi, what was with those ninja moves earlier?" Nell asked. Eric laughed "That was AMAZING!" _

_I smiled. "I may have taken a few Tae Kwon Do classes in college." I answered "Aand I may have watched The Matrix a couple hundred times" I muttered._

_Everyone laughed. "Y'know, I thought I saw a little Keanu Reeves in you while you were kicking their asses back there." Deeks said "I've never thought this before, but Deeks is kinda like Bodie." Eric said._

'_What?"_

"_Well, you surf, and you kinda look like Patrick Swayze. And you have badass fighting moves."_

"_But I'm not a criminal!" Deeks said _

"_I see it." Sam said. Everyone laughed again. "Well, you may have whooped their asses, but you nearly _killed_ me driving back!" Deeks said._

"_I'm not a bad driver!" I defended._

"_You ran three red lights. THREE! In what, the four mile ride it was."_

"_And there's no evidence of that." I said quickly and quietly. It was silent for a moment. Then Callen said "You paid Eric and Nell to erase the vids from the traffic cam, didn't you?" _

_Everyone turned to Eric and Nell. Nell sat cool under pressure, and just shook her head "Nope." Eric, on the other hand, looked about ready to crack. "Nu-uh" he said. "We can't be bribed."_

"_Really? Deeks asked, "Because just last week I believe Sam bribed Nell to mess with my car." Deeks glared at Sam. _

"_How do you know it was me?!" Nell asked, before quickly adding "…not that it was. I know nothing about cars."_

"_I just figured it out on my own." Deeks said. I laughed out loud. "What, _you _figured it out on your own? For some reason I don't believe that."_

"_What? I'm a detective! _It's in my name! _Detective Marty Deeks."_

"_So what makes you think it was Nell?" Sam asked_

"_Well for one, you're defending her, so that makes both of you look guilty."_

"_Maybe it was a squirrel?" Nell suggested with a giggle._

"_Aha! You did it!"_

"_What?"_

"_How else would you have known that there were ACORNS under my hood!" Deeks pointed his finger at her. _

_Nell couldn't hold it in any longer, she burst out laughing, and Sam soon followed. I gave a small snicker._

"_Hey- you-stop that! That's not funny!" Deeks said to everyone. But soon Callen and Eric were laughing too, and I saw Nell and Eric do a quick underhanded high-5 under the table. _

_~/~_

_We were at a different bar, in downtown Los Angeles. We were four drinks in, and positively drunk as hell. Nell had just tried to order another drink, but Callen, who wasn't as drunk as the rest of us, knew better and stopped her. She had insisted that she was thirsty, so he ordered her a water. Deeks was busy telling Eric about the time he fought off a 50,000 lb bear with his bare hands, and Eric was fascinated. _

_The bartender brought over a glass of water, and Nell was enthralled by the fact that she could see through the water, the "invisible liquid" as she called it. For some reason, I called her name to ask her something, and when she turned around, her elbow knocked over the water glass, spilling it all over the bar and her lap. "I'm a waterbender." She declared._

"_Alright, I think it's time for all of you to go home anyways, let's go." Callen ushered us out the door. We were just kind of standing there on the sidewalk, in the middle of the night, with all the city lights around us. Suddenly, in front of everyone, Eric grabbed Nell by the shoulders, and kissed her. She didn't resist at all, and in fact, kind of went along with it. "I am _so _going to their wedding" Deeks whispered to me. Finally, Eric pulled away and stumbled backwards. _

"_Whoa, I-I didn't mean, I, whoa." Eric blurted out, but Nell was giving him a sexy smile. I'm not entirely sure if either one of them remembered it the next day._

_~/~_

Eric was dead. I didn't find out until later. I think at first I assumed the black bag was carrying one of the terrorists, or a pedestrian who was in the wrong place at the really wrong time. I guess I had just been denying the fact that Eric and Nell were in the same room as the bomb, and the chance of both of them surviving was not good.  
I had been pulled out of the rubble by a firefighter, and the EMT's kept pestering me about my head, saying I needed stitches but everything was jumbled, I was so confused, they were just making my headache worse. Eventually they ended up taking me to the hospital to get stitches and be checked for other injuries, although I don't remember any of it.

02:03:32  
I do remember being back at the boathouse, sitting at the table with Sam, Callen, and Deeks by my side. It turns out Deeks had never actually gotten into the building, the doors were locked and there were no windows on his side. Right now he stood in the corner, arms crossed, hands in fists. He kept blaming himself. Sam paced around the room, occasionally knocking something off a shelf or kicking something. Callen sat at the far end of the table with his hands crossed in front of him, staring into space. Nobody had shed a tear yet. I don't know when I noticed this, but there was a tight bandage around my upper left arm. I don't remember how I got it, but the more I thought about it, the more it hurt.  
The stressful part was waiting. I'll never forget just sitting there for what seemed like days, but in actuality was probably less than an hour. I couldn't stop the memories spinning through my head: the explosion and the hours leading up to it. Eric had been really nervous about going back into the field, because of the time when he was almost frelted. We kept telling him that we would be right outside, that nothing was going to happen, but eventually it was Nell who took him aside, and convinced him that they were going to be okay. If only we could have known.

02:24:29  
We were still waiting for a report on Nell's condition. She could be dead for all we know. The only thing we do know is that two bodies were recovered: one was pronounced dead on the scene, the other was taken to LA General Hospital. Callen had identified the first body as Eric's.

02:56:44  
Hetty walked into the main room of the boathouse slowly, with her hands clasped in front of her. Callen and I stood, and Deeks and Sam walked over. Hetty sighed. "Miss Jones is in surgery." I could feel everyone let out a silent breath, trying not to get their hopes up but just hearing that she was alive was enough to, as much as we knew not to. But Hetty wasn't finished. "She isn't expected to make it." And just like that, 80% of our hope was gone. The remaining 20% was half because she was a fighter, and half because none of us could stand the thought of losing two more team members.

05:34:22  
Nell was still in surgery. None of us went home, we needed each other. The only words that were spoken were when Sam made a phone call to his family to tell them that he loved them.  
We were all in that weird in-between state, where what happened hadn't quite sunk in yet, but it still registered that they weren't here with us, and might never be again.

06:41:58  
We managed to get ourselves over to the hospital. I don't remember who drove, I don't even remember getting in the car, but nonetheless, I found myself in the waiting room. The chairs were cold and hard, I was shivering despite it being 75 degrees, despite Deeks's warm hand wrapped around mine. We were in a large, loud room, and the stress in the air was almost tangible as people yelled at doctors, yelled at each other, cried, made phone calls, one person even slept, I have no idea how. This room was for the families of people in surgery, people who weren't stable enough for visitors, and people who were waiting to be told that their loved one hadn't made it. We didn't actually know which category we fell into.  
Time seemed to drag on forever, I could hear it like a clock in my head..tick..tick…tick…tick  
I was shaking. I couldn't stand it anymore, I had to get up and move. As much as I tried to relax and sit still, I needed to move. I paced the room quietly for the next 20 minutes. At one point I heard a whistle, and automatically turned my head, expecting Eric. I think that's when it started to hit me, but I forced it back down. _Don't cry don't cry don't cry_ I was shaking and taking gasping breaths, I felt my walls crumbling, but I built them back up just as quickly. I felt Callen's strong hand on my shoulder, and it burned like fire. I shoved him off and tried to leave, _I had to get to Eric, he needed us for a case, he was waiting, why aren't we-_ Callen moved himself firmly in front of me. _Eric isn't here, Kensi, and he isn't coming back._ I reluctantly pulled into Callen's arms and shook softly, but I still didn't cry.

09:22:48  
Hetty had been talking to a doctor in the corner for a long time now. That must be a good thing, because at least that means Nell's probably alive. I find myself leaning on Sam's shoulder. I must've been asleep. "Sorry" I mutter, picking my head up, but instantly I got this pounding headache.  
'It's fine" Sam says quietly, and I put my head back down.

Hetty walked over and silently motioned for us to follow her. When I stood up, my vision clouded with black, but it was bright. Bright blackness. I squinted and started following Hetty, thinking it would just go away. And to my surprise, it did. Walking down the hallway, there were offices, and I subconsciously thought _where are all the sick people?_ Then I remembered we were only on the first floor. Hetty led us into an elevator up to the 6th floor, then down another hallway. That time I wished there were offices. Rooms had glass walls looking in, so nurses could monitor the patients at all times. The people inside were all attached to wires everywhere, like straight out of The Matrix. We stopped outside a room that had its curtains drawn.

"One visitor at a time." A nurse ordered.  
"I've already been in." Hetty motioned for one of us to go in. We looked at each other. Who was closest to her?  
"You should." Sam said to me "If you're okay to."  
Me? I kind of knew this was going to happen. It was really between Callen and I, since he was the leader. "Yeah" I choked, my voice came out scratchy.

The nurse opened the door for me. I swallowed, jammed my hands in my pockets, and ducked my head as I walked into the room.

If you had put me in that room without telling me it was Nell in that bed, I would've thought I had the wrong room.

I made my way over to the chair next to her bed, although I didn't feel my legs actually moving. The chair was soft, unlike the chairs in the waiting room. I couldn't keep my eyes off her face, trying to figure out how that was the sweet, red-headed genius we all loved. My throat was dry. I swallowed. It didn't help. I didn't know what to say, it was clear that she was unconscious, or something. Still I felt like I needed to say something, to make sure it was real, that she was really here, _alive,_ that she wasn't going to slip away like Eric had.

My mouth formed the word "Nell" but it didn't come. I wanted to break down and start crying right there, but I didn't. It's not that I was trying to be tough, it's that I don't think I _could_ cry, even if I wanted to. Her face was mostly covered by bandages, and her eyes were closed. Her beautiful red hair was gone, or covered by bandages, I couldn't tell. I could see more bandages creeping up towards her neck from under her hospital gown. More bandages covered most of the right side of her face, and over her nose.

I looked up, and that's when I first noticed the nurse standing in the corner. She saw that I had noticed her, and she began to walk over. "It's a real miracle she survived." She said.

_Yeah, we know that already._

"Between forensics and the EMT's, they were able to determine that the man who died most likely covered her to protect her."

I froze. I hadn't known that. I swallowed hard, now I _really_ wanted to cry.

I thought of all the times they had 'coincidentally' gone home at the same time, and when Eric got so drunk one night that he kissed Nell in front of everyone, and she didn't resist. When we went to the beach, and he was teaching her how to stand up on the surfboard in shallow water, and he caught her in his arms every time she fell. The time they thought everyone else had gone home, and I saw them walking out together, holding hands.

I tried to bring myself back to reality, and that's when I realized I had been holding my breath. I cleared my throat, "Is she asleep?"  
"Right now she's in a medically-induced coma, but we'll probably bring her out of it in a few days." She noticed the look on my face and said "I'll let you have a few minutes alone. Just holler if you need anything." She left.

"I _do_ need something. I need you to wake up!" I quavered, even though I knew Nell couldn't hear me. Then I remembered something. Coma patients could sometimes hear people, right? I wasn't sure if this applied to people in medically-induced comas, though. I looked back down. Her left arm was closest to me, past the bandages on her forearm, I saw that her hand was exposed, except for some small white tape around her ring finger. I reached over and delicately took her hand. Before I even knew what I was going to say, I was talking.

"When Dom died, I couldn't do anything. He was one of my closest friends. I couldn't speak to other people, I didn't want to move. I had to watch his body jerk around from all the bullets tearing through him, I saw it over and over in my head thousands of times…you would've liked him, Nell. He made a pretty good geek for a field agent." The slightest smile came across my face for just a second, but it quickly went away.

"…My point is, Nell, that I can't lose two more friends. You two…you and Eric are two of the very few people I consider best friends. Not even Dom was a best friend Nell, _please_. You're too young, you have a _life_ ahead of you. You can…I know it sounds cheesy but you can travel the world, or-or settle down and have kids or you can just stay here with us, having wild nights getting drunk with the team, and watching movies at my house, and catching bad guys, that's fun right?" there were tears in my eyes but they didn't fall. "You're too young. Dom was too young, and Eric was too young, but you still have a chance." My voice cracked on Eric's name.

I had come to terms with Dom's death, I _thought _I was numb to it by now, and all the images and memories that came with it. I had heard his full name so many times since his death. _I forgot how it felt to say his name without all the weight that came with it. _But I wasn't numb to it. Sometimes when I'm talking to other agents and one of them brings it up casually, it's like an explosion inside of me that I didn't see coming. My heart rate felt like it doubled for a few seconds, and my stomach grew cold. The worst part was when the other agents didn't even know Dom and I had been friends, partners. It kind of pissed me off that they could say it so casually while if we were around Callen or Sam or Eric, it was almost like a forbidden topic. Is that how it's going to be with Eric? Eric Beale Eric Beale Eric Beale. It was already starting to sound unfamiliar. "I don't want that to happen." I said out loud. But it was happening. no…No. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and go to work and Eric and Nell will be there, ready to tell us about our next case. Hetty will give Eric a disapproving look because he's wearing flip-flops and pajama pants, his favorite ones, the ones with pac-man all over them. And we would go catch bad guys just like always-

I stopped myself. I stopped all those thoughts and focused back on Nell instead. "I'm done." I said as I stood up. As much as I wanted to believe she could hear me, I knew I was just wasting my time. I walked outside and gave a nod to the team, and kept walking. I just wanted to go home. Deeks caught up to me just as I was stepping into the elevator.

"Hey, hey" he said as he cupped my elbow gently. I shrugged him off and pressed the button for the first floor. "Don't you want to stay?" I asked. "Nah, everyone's leaving now anyways. Callen might stick around, but I'm not really one for hospitals in the first place."

I gave a small nod. My headache was coming back. "I can give you a ride back to your place." He offered, putting his hand on my shoulder. Clearly he hadn't gotten the hint that I didn't want to be touched. "Thanks." I muttered.

11:34:41  
I hardly got any sleep. I threw up twice and I felt like I wanted to die. I nearly scared the shit out of myself every time I turned on a light, like I was seeing the flash of the explosion all over again. I took a long, cold shower. After seeing Nell's burns, the thought of a hot shower was not as soothing as it used to be. Most of the soot, dirt, and dried blood had been washed off by the nurses, but not all of it. I watched as the mixture swirled down the drain in a little funnel that I used to love as a kid, when I took baths with bath toys and crap. Something hit me, a weird feeling, a thirst for the past almost, I really couldn't describe it. I know that sounds corny, but I was literally thirsty in a nostalgic way. I wanted to be a kid again, when everything was so simple, yeah, I wanted to go back to that. Those emotions hit me hard, and I let them. Better to feel that than acknowledge the events of the day. As I stood there with the freezing water cascading down my body, a little part of my brain began to register that this nostalgia was really just a distraction from facing this new reality, and once that was recognized, it became that much harder to hold it in. I wanted to let go so bad, I wanted to fall to my knees and cry, cry. I wanted the water to mix with my tears. I wanted to punch the walls and tear down the curtain, then wrap myself in it and curl up in the tub and freeze to death, so then at least I wouldn't have any chance of dying the same way Eric did.

I didn't do any of that. Instead, I just turned off. It's a skill I had built up, I just turn off my emotions and completely shut down on the inside. Some day the great Kensi Blye will break, let down her walls and show her weakness, show that she isn't really as strong as she seems, it's all a façade, covering up the weak little girl still stuck at 15, in the movie theater watching Titanic. Stuck in her last few hours of bliss, just before she learned of her father's death, and the façade was first put up.

I shed a tear, maybe two. For my father. Not for Eric, never for Eric, at least not yet. Because there was no reason to cry for Eric. I turned off the shower, wrapped myself in my towel, and laid down in the tub.

I dreamt of Eric and Nell. We were at a playground, but everything was huge, as if we had been shrunken down. The sky was gray and cracked, the wind was strong, and smelled of something burning. The leaves in the bushes were all gray, and the trees all dead. It was as if a huge storm was just about to arrive. I could tell we were in some kind of town that had long since been abandoned, due to an epidemic or radiation or something. Overall, it had a haunting effect and gave me chills. Eric was at the top of the huge slide, calling for Nell to follow. Nell stood next to me on the ground, and I was so happy to see her healthy and alive, but she didn't even pay attention to me, she was just trying to get to Eric, only she didn't know how. Finally, she turned to me and said "I want to be with Eric." Those must have been some kind of magic words because before she even knew what was happening, she was floating up towards the cracked sky, and landed at the top of the rusty slide right next to Eric. They hugged each other tightly and I could hear them swearing never to let go. I was left on the ground all alone. I looked around but there was no one else beside me. I began to faintly hear a song from my childhood, but it sounded sinister, like the song was coming from a wind-up radio or a jack-in-the-box.

_**Stay tonight, we'll watch the full moon rising, hold on tight  
The sky is breaking  
I don't ever want to be alone, with all my darkest dreaming  
Hold me close, the sky is breaking**_

I looked back up at Eric and Nell. They looked so happy, but something told me Nell was supposed to be down here with me. But they stood and walked over to the edge of the slide together, and jumped off, holding hands. I tried to see where the bottom of the slide was so I could go find them, but the second half of it was cut off abruptly by an intimidating and forbidding fog. I kept thinking _what have I done, what have I done, where have they gone? This is your fault, you let her float away and now you can't find either of them. I didn't get there in time, I just didn't get there in time…_

I awoke with a start and found myself shivering, still curled up in my tub. The towel I was wrapped in was soaking wet with freezing cold water. I was breathing heavily while I tried to calm down from the dream. Realizing that me getting hypothermia wasn't going to help anyone, I got a fresh towel and put on dry clothes. Not pajamas, there was no way I was getting back to sleep. Checking the clock, I realized I had only been asleep for 20 minutes. I couldn't stand to be in this apartment any longer. Taking a nice long drive usually calmed me down. Despite it being a warm night, I was still shivering as I started up my car. Instead of making a right on Sulllivan to go downtown, I made a left towards the suburbs.

The scenery got more and more familiar, and soon I was in the town that I once considered home. I spent three years here, from age 7 through age 9. Three of the best years of my life. Familiar shops and street names triggered happy childhood memories. Gordies: where any kid could get lost in the rooms and rooms of someone's barn converted into a shop. Nina's: the best ice cream in town and the 'cool' hangout for the older kids. Pizzaz Pizza: I would have eaten that stuff every day if I could. I passed the small plaza the neighborhood kids and I would always bike to, where we spent pretty much every dollar we ever owned. Half the plaza was empty now, West End Bookstore was gone, that name always made me chuckle because it was all just comic books, but I built up quite a collection from that store. Oogie games was still there, I'm surprised it survived this long. We used to go there to buy all the latest video games for my Super Nintendo and the Sega Genesis, and always going in to get my crappy Action Max fixed. Dollar General was still there, I can't even count how many times Danny stole from that place, though he only got caught twice. Danny's been dead for a few years now. Drunk driving accident. He left behind a wife and a daughter, from what I've heard. It doesn't really matter, I haven't seen him since we were ten. But in our little gang of 8, 9, and 10-year-olds, I had the best time of my life. We lived in this fairly small military town, so we could ride our bikes pretty much everywhere. We were like the "cool kids": George, Danny, Megan, Max, Carter…what was that other girl's name? I think…it might've been Leah. And Shawn, Daulton, and I. There was also Alex, who was hit by a car while he was on his bike one night. He was paralyzed, but last I heard he had two sons and a wife. Alex's accident happened near the end of my 3 years there, so it didn't really affect my time in that town.

I pulled over at my old elementary school, Heim Elementary. It was dark out, but it looked as if the playground hadn't been replaced. I broke a bone for the first time jumping off those swings, my first bee sting at the top of that slide, I spent a lot of time-outs on that bench, mostly for stuff Danny or Shawn did. And my first kiss, well, I don't know if a kiss between two nine-year-olds actually counts, but my first kiss happened right at the bottom of the jungle-gym. The other kids always teased Daulton and I, saying we liked each other, and wanting us to kiss. Daulton was kind of the quiet leader of the group. He seemed so…"out of my league" I guess. But we finally kissed one night at dusk, with no one else around. I smiled to myself, remembering those days when everything was so simple: the only cheating was in board games, the only fighting was over who got to be on whose team, and the only weapons we used were any sticks we could find. I hesitantly continued down to the end of the road, made a right, a left, then another left around the bend to stop at my childhood home. The whole street looked so peaceful in the moonlight. I pulled over and turned off my lights, aware of how creepy I probably looked. It was a good thing this wasn't a military town anymore.

The moon was reflecting off the skylight on the roof, the skylight that led to my old bathroom. I couldn't see my old bedroom window because it was in the back of the house, but the tree in the front yard was still standing. That tree was the best for climbing in, I couldn't even count how many times I went up there. I could still pinpoint the spot where Joey fell out and had to be taken away in an ambulance. It wasn't anything serious, but he never stopped bragging about the stitches in his leg.

I could also see behind the front steps where we used to crawl under the house to find all sorts of treasures, from scrap metal to candy wrappers (most of which were our own) to small animals. One time when Carter went to New Mexico, he came back with a tarantula he had caught. He named it Martha, the name was some joke that I forget now. Sometimes he set it loose under my house and we would watch it eat crickets and other bugs. It used to freak me out how Carter would let it crawl all over him. He convinced me to try it once, and I guess I threatened it or something because it bit me. That thing hurt like hell, worse than my broken arm, worse than most field injuries I've had. I think that's where most of my trust issues originated from. Carter also liked to let Martha loose in his house when no one was home. I guess he forgot to put it away once because one time when he was over at my house, his mother called and said calmly "Hello Kensi, I don't need to talk to Carter, just tell him that Martha is crawling up the living room wall and he needs to come home _now_."

I laughed out loud right there in my car just thinking about it. Right then, I would have given anything to go back to those days. And that, of course, brought the thoughts of Eric and Nell back to the front of my mind. Just like that, the magic was gone. This place didn't look like the wonderland where I spent my best childhood years, it looked like another excuse to avoid facing reality.

But I knew this would happen. I took the car out of park and headed home. I really wanted to just go to a bar and drink my way into oblivion, but I knew that was about the worst thing I could do for myself. So as soon as I got home I pulled out the first bottle of beer I could find. Thank god it was twist-off because I did not have the patience to find a bottle opener. I could feel unwanted emotions creeping up on me, I needed this beer _now._

The rest of the night dragged on forever. I didn't sleep but I lost myself in the TV. I watched all the stuff that normally makes me laugh, but nothing did. Meatballs was always at least a little bit funny, but I didn't laugh. I think I'd seen about every Monty Python episode over the course of my childhood, so none of it had much of an effect on me anymore. Woody usually had me cracking up in Cheers, same with Dick Van Dyke, but none of that worked. I wasn't going to resort to my collection of sappy happy-ending movies, at least not yet. So I decided to visit Nell again.

16:46:41  
They had taken more of her bandages off during the night, and taken her out of the coma. She wasn't awake though. I could now see the rest of her face clearly. More burns on her face were exposed, and it made my stomach churn. At least now she was somewhat more recognizable. Other than that, not really much had changed since last night. Lots of nurses were in and out, once I asked how Nell was doing (beyond what I could see) and the nurse told me that currently, machines were the only things keeping her alive, and that her chances were very slim. I told myself she was going to make it though, she was a fighter, right?

18:09:16  
Eventually I went back to work, even though Hetty had told us to take a few days off, knowing full well we wouldn't listen. When I got there, I found that Callen had slept there and Deeks was sitting at his desk with a pile of crumpled up papers on the floor around him. He was shooting paper balls at his trash can, but I don't think he got a single one in. I figured Sam hadn't gotten here yet, or maybe he took Hetty's advice and stayed home with his family.

I thought about the deaths of Dom and my father, and from both experiences I knew that keeping to myself was about the worst thing I could do. Without telling Callen and Deeks what I was doing, before _I_ really knew what I was doing, I headed up the stairs to OSP.

The doors made a familiar _fwoosh, _and I stopped just inside so my eyes could adjust. I had met some of the other techs that worked with Eric and Nell before, but I didn't even remember most of their names. I walked around the corner where I found the six of them working at various stations. I actually knew Annie, whom Nell had invited out to lunch with us once or twice. She was very pleasant and kind, as I remembered, but wasn't afraid to say whatever was on her mind. She had straight black hair and was in her mid twenties.

"Hey" I said quietly, moving to stand behind her where she stood at one of the tables. She looked up at me with little emotion. "Hi Kensi."  
"um…" I swung my hands at my waist, not really sure what to say next. "How are you guys?" I asked.

She set down the tablet she was holding and turned to look at me. "As well as anyone does the day after losing two friends. We're actually worried about _you_ guys. How are you holding up?"  
"Nell isn't dead." I said firmly.  
"I'm fairly certain you're aware of her condition, yes? I'm not trying to sound negative, I'm trying to be _realistic_."  
I opened my mouth, then closed it. I contemplated punching her in her stupid face. How could she say that? I know she was close friends with Eric and Nell, so why give up hope so soon? "She has a chance." I said through my teeth.

Figuring to leave the subject alone, she re-introduced me to the other five, and I remembered them clearly now.

Shea was Annie's partner. He was blind but he had special equipment and software to help him use computers, and apparently he was really useful to the team. He was easily over 6 feet tall and he had shaggy red hair and was covered in freckles. Nell had said he was a big jokester, but he wasn't cracking any jokes now. Diallo and Simon were partners. Diallo was a friendly African man who spoke with a thick accent. Simon, as I remember, was shy and very anti-social, not even turning around to say hi to me. Lastly, Alex and Alex were partners, both in work and romantically. Last time I saw them, they were just dating, but now they were engaged, and what awful timing, because the wedding was only in a few weeks. Girl Alex was slightly chubby with light brown hair pulled into a ponytail. I recall her being very outgoing and talkative, but now she clutched a Kleenex box and didn't speak, just kept sniffling. Guy Alex had a large frame and prominent muscles that looked a little comical stuffed in his button-down shirt. Kind of like a less exaggerated Clark Kent, undercover in his day job, surrounded by skinny nerds.

Each of them, except for Simon, uttered a short greeting to me when introduced, and look at me (except for Shea) with a concerned glance. "Nice to meet you all again. I'm gonna head back downstairs, I'll see you guys around." I said awkwardly, realizing that the darkness of the room and the glow of the computers that I had associated with Eric and Nell, was now making my heart beat faster, and I was getting a little dizzy.

I went back downstairs. Callen and Deeks were still in the same places as before. "Where's Sam?" I broke the silence. "In the gym." Callen answered. I started to head towards the gym. Callen said "I'll go with you. I've been meaning to talk to him."

We walked to the gym together, and I couldn't help but say "You know they were dating?" Callen knew what I was talking about.  
"Yes." He said. It was silent for a few seconds, then he said "I caught them."  
My mouth made an O as I pictured Callen's face when he walked in on Eric and Nell.  
"It wasn't…like _that_." He said.  
"Oh." I said, ashamed to say I was a little disappointed.

We could hear Sam grunting and punching the punching bag from all the way down the hall. We stepped into the gym, but he didn't notice us. He would cry out in anger with every other punch. "He's been here for at least an hour." Callen whispered to me. Sam finally noticed us and walked over weakly, breathing heavily. He gave us a nod and said "How are you?" I looked over at Callen, he didn't say a word.

Sam was perfectly fine with not getting an answer. "I'm heading to the showers. I'll meet you out there?"

I nodded. Callen said he had to take care of something in another room, so I went back to the bullpen alone.

I sat at my desk making a chain of paperclips while Deeks rounded up all the balls of paper on the floor and began throwing them again.

Obviously Hetty wasn't going to give us work today, but we were here for each other's company. Plus, it couldn't be healthy to sit in our houses all day, and as far as I knew, Sam was the only one with family in this area. We were here for each other.

Sam returned, and Callen shortly after. We all sat at our desks in absolute silence for a good 5 minutes before Deeks said "So, what? Are we just going to pretend like nothing happened?"

"yes." I muttered quietly, folding my arms on my desk and putting my head down.

"What are we going to do? Sit around all day? This is a big deal, we have to at least talk about it, what are we going to-"

"Shut up, Deeks." I warned.

"Look, I'm sorry if it's upsetting, but who's gonna call their families-"

"Deeks, I'm serious!" I said, then Sam said "Quit it, Deeks" at the same time Callen said "C'mon, really?"

"I'm sorry, but someone's gotta plan their f-"

"DEEKS!" Sam shouted extremely loud. We all were standing at this point. "You just don't know when to _shut up_, do you?" Sam said. I honestly thought he was going to hit Deeks, or beat him up or something.

"She's not dead yet." I said loudly. Oh shit. My stomach sank like a rock. I said yet.

It was _dead silent_ for about thirty seconds. Everyone on the first floor stopped whatever they were doing to stare at us. Sam and Callen looked at me, then back to Deeks. After what seemed like forever, Callen said to Deeks quietly but firmly "Get out." And he pointed to the door. I think Deeks was in shock or something, because he just stared at Callen blankly. "GET OUT!" Callen shouted. Deeks grabbed his bag and walked quickly towards the door, uttering a barely audible "sorry".

I could count on one hand the number of times I'd seen Callen and Sam this angry. I noticed everyone still staring and I conscientiously sat back down in my chair. They all quickly went back to what they were doing out of fear. Sam and Callen also sat down, and we went back to our comfortable silence for a few minutes before Hetty came over. She stopped right in front of Callen's desk and looked at each of us with squinted eyes. "Everyone deals with things differently. Everyone has their own way of coping. For some, that is silence, or _denial_-" She paused "-others feel the need to talk things out. Saying things out loud can help you understand them more clearly. Some people are quick to process things, others need more time. And when that time comes, we need to be here for one another. Department psychologists are always available. On that note, I would like to inform you that Mr. Getz has returned- you will each be required to see him twice, after that, you may see him as often or as little as you want." She began to leave, but then turned back to us once more and said "_Everyone _is struggling with this. _Everyone_ is going to need help. Just keep that in mind." Hetty gave us a short nod and left.

I kinda felt bad for Deeks now, he was just trying to cope, but we couldn't help him. I wanted to text him and apologize, but I didn't know what to say.

22:32:55  
I spent the next few hours filling out old paperwork, but it wasn't helping anything. I checked my watch. I didn't feel like I could stay here any longer, and when I had left the hospital, they were just taking Nell into surgery for something or other. She should've been out about 5 hours ago, so I thought I would visit her again. I shot off a text to Nate:  
[_Heard you're back in town! Let's meet up_]

As I made my way through the parking garage, I noticed Deeks's crappy old car was still there. I walked over, and almost gasped when I saw he was still sitting in it, with the car off. It completely took me by surprise, and it looked a little creepy, too. In a dark parking garage, and seeing just the back of his head was a little startling. I walked over to the driver's side.

He just sat there, staring straight ahead, not moving. I began to get a little nervous. I tapped the window, "Deeks?". Rolling down his window, he casually turned his head towards me and raised his eyebrows in a way that said "what do you want" but also "look at this shit situation we're in".  
"What are you doing here?" I asked. Instead of playing his usual game and saying something like "I work here how about you?" he just inhaled as if he was going to go into some long explanation, then changed his mind, shrugging and blowing out the air. Eventually he said "don't have any place better to go"  
I knew that was a lie. There were so many other things he could be doing besides sitting in his car. Him, of all people. He had such a big social life I couldn't imagine he would ever have nothing to do. He could surf, I bet surfing was a great way to take your mind off of things. He "had connections" to almost every bar or small shop in Los Angeles and always got stuff for free. Plus, he had a whole 'nother person he could be: his alias, Max. Then he didn't even have to remember that he was Deeks, the LAPD liaison, he could become Max and forget about everything else for a while. But instead he was sitting in his car alone in front of me.  
"Really Deeks?" I said. "Have you been out here the whole time?"  
"Yes"  
Wow, he had really been here the whole time? "Deeks, are you okay?"  
He stood up and got out of his car to talk to me better. "Look." he said, his voice sounding choked like he was going to cry. "Kensi. You know I care so much about you guys. And it pains me to see you hurting like this, but it _kills_ me to know that I caused this hurt. So until things cool off, I need to step back and let you guys deal with it the way you want to. But I can't bring myself to leave, because even if you guys don't need me, I need to feel like I can be there if you do. So you may not see me, but just know that I'll never be far."  
It kind of broke my heart to see that he cared for us more than anything even when we were complete assholes to him. Well, I shouldn't say _we_. I didn't actually say much but still, I realized what he must be going through.  
-"Deeks" I said. I didn't know how to start, I just wanted to let him know that I understood. "I am so sorry. We've basically ignored you so far, only thinking about ourselves, forgetting that you were friends with them just as much as we were. We've treated you like you don't have feelings, just because we don't see you express them that often. You're a part of this just as much as we are, and if Sam and Callen can't accept that yet, then that's their own problem." I sighed and put my hand on his arm. "I'm sorry"  
He had been looking away, but now he turned to look directly in my eyes. "You don't have to be sorry. I get it. I used to think the best way to get over things was to ignore them completely. Then I learned to accept it and move on sooner than later. I went too far this time. I guess, I just..I haven't had something hit so close to home like this in a long time." his voice cracked. "But I should not have reacted the way I did."  
Only then did I realize just how close we were standing to each other. Despite being Deeks, I knew he had enough sense not to make a move right then, no matter what 'thing' we may or may not have.  
But what about me? What if _I_ needed someone? Just someone to hold, through all of this, I had no one. I let my eyes graze over him. He had just showed me his weakness, and yet he looked even stronger.

My hand was still on his arm, and, looking back in his eyes one more time, I pulled myself up against him and threw my arms around him, burying my face in his shoulder. Although it went against all my better judgment, I really just needed a shoulder to cry on.

I felt his arms wrap around me and hold me closer, although I couldn't bring myself to cry. He held me like that for at least a two minutes, before I picked my head up to look at him, but it brought our faces closer together than I thought. Our eyes were just inches apart, our noses almost touching. My heart was racing, but it wasn't like other times when I get this close up to a guy, this was Deeks, this was my partner, I wasn't scared, but I felt comfortable. I felt like I was at home.

I wanted to thank him for his understanding, and keeping cool when we flipped out on him, and still being there for us. I gently brushed my lips against his, and laid a soft kiss on his cheek, before I pulled out of his arms and walked away, leaving him standing in the dim light.

My phone buzzed while I was driving to the hospital, so I didn't check it. By the time I got a parking space, I had forgotten about it and went straight up to Nell's room. As I was signing in on the 6th floor, a nurse at the desk said "You're here for Nell Jones, right?"  
"Yeah."  
"She got out of her skin graft surgery about 6 hours ago, and for the past 4 hours or so, she's been mouthing out words in her sleep. None of us can tell what she's saying." The nurse said.

My heart skipped. This is a good thing, right? I can read lips like no one's business. "Thanks" I said, hurrying to Nell's room.

I could see her legs now, they were both in casts to above her knees. Her thighs were burned far worse than her face. "Nell?" I said "Can you hear me?" of course she didn't answer. I sat down and checked my phone.

[_Sure! How about LA Pizza&Ale house at 7?_] from Nate

I replied: [_See you then_]

I sat with Nell for a while, keeping her company. Really I just wanted to see her mouth out the words. I sat there and played on my phone for a few hours until finally I looked up and saw her lips moving ever so slightly. I sat up and leaned forward and looked closer. It was very difficult to make out the words, if they even were words. It could just be nonsense. I noticed a pattern, but after focusing for a while, I still couldn't tell anything. I sat back and continued reading a magazine from the waiting room, assuming it was just nonsense. I looked back for a few seconds, then suddenly sat up straight. I could make out a few words

"…_to be"_

"to be"? I thought. What's "to be"? Then I noticed another word

"_Eric"_

My heart jumped in my chest and I felt my stomach grow cold. I put more of the words together:

"_I…to be…Eric"_

Now that I had some words, it was easier to decipher the rest:

"_I want to be with Eric"_

I froze. Every single part of my body froze. I wanted to say _No! No you don't! You want to stay here! _But my mouth just opened and no sound came out.

That's when I broke. I didn't even try to stop it, I probably couldn't have if I tried. I felt all the emotions that I had stuffed back behind a wall come crashing over me. Thoughts swirled though my head, and I let them finally be acknowledged.

I pictured Eric shielding Nell in the corner of the room taking his last few breaths. I pictured them pounding on the door, crying for help, with the last energy they had. I pictured Eric pulling Nell into the corner, where he huddled over her in a last-ditch effort to save her, in their last few moments, _together_.

Tears fell down my face and I covered my face with my hands, trying not to look at Nell. I let myself think about Eric's dead body, and I let myself wonder if he was all in one piece or if he had been blown to bits. I thought about Eric's funeral and Nell's family. Eric didn't have any family. He grew up an orphan, and I was the only one who knew that besides Callen and probably Nell. Then I thought about Nell. I knew she had a father, a step-father, and now two brothers. How bad she must've felt about her brother's suicide, and how bad she'll stiff feel, if she recovers, about losing her boyfriend and best friend, that he died protecting her. That she was the one who convinced him to go into the building in the first place. I thought about my father, and Dom. More tears burned my eyes.

_Eric is dead, Eric is dead, you can never see him again. No more spiky blond hair, no more shorts and flip-flops at work, no more of his lame attempts at jokes. Nell is here but Nell is also gone. Their love on this planet is gone. They can never get married and have little nerd babies who call me "Aunt Kensi". _

I let myself think about all the people's lives they've touched, how many people will grieve over them. It happened so suddenly, they probably woke up yesterday morning not even knowing they would have to go into the field. We were still so close to the time of the explosion, it hadn't even been 24 hours, _so close. _Why couldn't we just rewind? Take it all back, it was so recent it felt like we could just reach behind us and grab them, pull them back here with us. But time never works that way. Not with Dom, not with my father, not with Eric and Nell.

I took a few shaky breaths and collected myself. I looked at Nell's chart on the end of the bed. There were a lot of medical terms I didn't know, but I picked out the prognosis part and translated it and it said something like this: Paralysis from the waist down, likely permanent. High risk of heart failure and respiratory complications. Life expectancy: undetermined.

She'll never walk again. She'll have heart problems and trouble breathing for the rest of her life, which probably was not much longer anyways.

It was a lot to take in. I thought about the explosion again. Would Eric have saved her if he knew he was only giving her maybe a few more months of life? Of course he would. Would he have saved her if he knew she was only going to be in pain? I don't actually know. Did Nell even want him to save her, or did she want them to go out together? We didn't.

I packed up my things, there was still an hour until I had to meet Nate for dinner. I decided to go reserve a table and wait.

I got us one of those tall tables for two by the window and ordered a beer. Shock Top Raspberry Wheat beer, Eric's favorite. Now I just had to wait,  
_tick…tick…tick…  
_I watched the people at the tables and the bar. Why did they get to live but Eric didn't? Eric's life had to be worth more than that fat sweaty guy in a football jersey over there, stuffing nachos in his face. How could they just go about living, so oblivious, when two of the most important people in my life will probably both be dead soon? And my list of important people wasn't very long. Hetty really kept the whole explosion thing under the radar. No one besides the team and very few others knew about the explosion. As far as the public was concerned, the loud noise they heard yesterday was "an oven fire that hit a gas line, causing an explosion, no one was hurt" So no one was supposed to know. I wondered if Nell's family knew the truth.

"Kensi!" a voice startled me out of my daze.

"Hey Nate!" I said. I stood up and we embraced in a quick hug, then I returned to my seat and he took a seat across from me. "It's good to see you again!" I said with a smile, trying to push those other thoughts to the back of my mind.

"Yeah, it's been a while." Nate smiled back "So what have you been up to these past few months?" he asked.

"Not much." I replied "You know, the usual fighting bad guys stuff. Saving the world." I joked "What about you, anything special going on?"

Nate blushed and said "Yeah, not much."

"What is it?" I asked with a smile "Is it a lady friend?" Nate blushed even harder. I raised my eyebrows "Is it Rose?" I stared him down.

"Alright, you got me. Rose and I have gone on a few dates. That's not what I wanted to talk to you about."

"I know, but we don't have to talk about that." I said

"No, we don't, but I know you have some questions."

"I might…" I replied.

"Ask away."

I hesitated. "Can you interpret dreams?" I asked.

"Possibly. Why, what dream did you have?"

I told him about the dream with Eric and Nell on the giant slide. When I finished, Nate was nodding like he just read me like a book, "I mean, some of it's obvious." I said "Like Eric going away, and Nell going with him, and the smell of something burning." It was still kind of hard to keep myself together, I mean, it was all only yesterday.

Nate started talking again "When you mentioned Nell was floating? That's equivalent to dying. The slide is the path between here and the afterlife, if you believe in that stuff. The fog is your perception of death, mysterious and unknown, dark, scary, forbidding. You said it looked nice to Eric and Nell. You also said Eric was calling for Nell. He was waiting for her before he could move on. And she was happy to go with him, maybe because she's in pain right now. Is that what you think?" He asked.

I didn't know how to respond. "I…I really don't know what I think." I stammered. Everything he was saying was disturbing me further. I made an attempt to change the subject. "What does Nell's family know?" I asked.

Just then, a blond waitress with a perky smile came over to us and asked Nate "Can I start you off with something to drink? Our special tonight is the tropical martini and we have free refills on all Guiness drinks with the purchase of a medium pizza or larger!."

"Uh, I'll just have a Pepsi, thanks." Nate replied.

"Coming right up!" She said with a smile "Can I get you a refill?"

I sat there, probably looking dumb for a minute, until I realized she was talking to me. "Oh. Uh," I looked down at my beer, it was almost gone. When did that happen? "Yes please" I answered. She smiled and left.

I turned back to Nate."Nell's family, as you are aware, is not allowed to know the truth about what happened." Nate started. I nodded, and he continued "Her father and step-father were told just a few hours ago that she was in a fire. Her brother Lev is in the Army, he's stationed in Rio. We figured since he's military we can allow for him to know more than the rest of her family, but as of right now, he's only been told the bare minimum. Speaking of which-"

"One Pepsi" the waitress said setting down Nate's drink. "Are you all ready to order?" She asked. I don't know who "you all" was, since there was only two of us. Nate glanced at me. I hadn't even looked at the menu yet. "Uh, one slice of pepperoni pizza please." I said. She wrote on her notepad and turned to Nate. "Okay, and for you?" Nate hadn't looked at his menu either , but without hesitation he said "I'll have the house salad with Italian dressing please."

"Of course!" The waitress said with a smile and a wink. She was shamelessly flirting with him, and it made me mad. Not mad like I had feelings for Nate, because I honestly didn't. More like 'we're having an important conversation so stop fucking interrupting us' mad.

She finally left and I recalled my conversation with Nate "Speaking of which…?"

Finishing his sentence, Nate repeated "Speaking of which, Nell's brother Lev is flying in tomorrow night, his flight leaves at 3am, and gets in around 7 tomorrow night. I need someone to pick him up from the airport. I'm the only one he really knows here, and, as you can imagine, I have a crazy schedule booked with appointments through next week."

That made me actually think of the impact Nell and Eric really had on the whole department. Like both of them had touched everyone in some way or another, and now they were sending the whole department into a wild tailspin, just because they were gone. I don't think everyone would have the same reaction if me or Callen or Sam or Deeks died. We barely talked to anyone there anyways. It certainly wasn't this big a deal when Dom died. Eric and Nell were so amiable; it was hard to find someone who wouldn't call them a friend. I realize now just how lucky we were and didn't even realize it. Underappreciated, here we go again. I tuned back in to what Nate was saying.

"-he _could_ take a taxi, but I don't know if he has much American money, so if you could just pick him up, that would be great, but you don't have to. I can just as easily get Callen or Sam to do it, so don't feel obligated or anything."

I nodded. That would be something to force me to leave my apartment or the Mission, and staying in those places all day probably isn't good for me, so this seemed like a perfect excuse to make myself get up and moving. "Sure." I said.

"Really? That would be great, thank you." He said. "All you have to do is drop him off at the hospital, and he said he'd find himself a hotel close by. You remember what he looks like, right?"

"Kind of. I could probably pick him out of a crowd." I replied.

"Great. Thank you so much."

We made casual talk for the rest of dinner, and I kept avoiding the subject of Eric and Nell, even though he knew what I was doing. Nate took the bill and I didn't argue. I told him I was really tired, but that was a lie and he knew it. I actually just wanted to get out of that loud, overcrowded restaurant, and Nate could tell. "Why don't you get some rest and call me in the morning?" he said as we walked outside. "Sounds good." I replied as we went separate ways to our cars. I collapsed into the driver's seat of my car and locked the doors, taking a few minutes to relax and calm down from the commotion of the restaurant. The darkness and cool air of my car helped me bring myself under control. It was nice, I didn't have to do anything, I didn't have to think about anything, it was just …complete…_silence_. Finally I started the car and drove home.

31:04:21

I still wasn't tired. Sleep just wasn't happening. I paced my apartment at least 100 times, trying to think of ways to fall asleep. I thought about reading a text book or watching a boring show. I ended up on the internet, playing my favorite game. Usually it's for two people, but even playing by myself, I was distracted for a good 20 minutes. How the game goes, is I think of a random word, then try to guess what the first image result would be on Google images. It's a stupid way to entertain yourself, like watching a dog chase its own tail, but it got my mind off of things, if only for a little while. I checked the clock, it was only 10. This was going to be a _really_ long night.

I sat down on my couch and grabbed the remote, but before I knew it, 10 minutes had passed and I was just staring and the blank television screen. Just zoning out, thinking about I-don't-even-remember-what. I finally snapped out of my thoughts. I suddenly got a chill, and it felt like it dropped 10 degrees in my apartment. Wrapping my blanket around my shoulders, I moved to the kitchen and started to make some tea. I really wanted coffee, but sleep was more important tonight.

While I was waiting, I walked over to the window and pulled back the curtains. It was much easier to see the stars out in the country, where hundreds dotted the sky on a clear night. But here in the city, on a clear night, you might be able to see a few stars. Tonight was one of those nights. I looked up and to the left, over the roof of the neighboring apartment building, leaning in close until my face touched the glass, but I still couldn't see. I lifted the window and stuck my head out.

The air outside was warmer than in my apartment, and there was a soft breeze. The swaying of trees and rustling of leaves could be heard but not seen. I could see a few faint stars scattered across dark shades of blue melting into each other. The stars were far apart, each one shining dimly, not quite bright enough to reach the other.

The moon must be on the other side of the building, because I couldn't find it.

I remember when I was little, and I lived where I could see a lot of stars at night, my father once described it as "like a sneeze spray on my windshield at night". When he said that, I thought it was the funniest thing in the world.

The sky seemed like a dome, yet it was easy to imagine it went on forever. It was completely entrancing, it made me wonder what existed before Earth, before everything, before the big bang. I tried to imagine nothing, but I just couldn't.

There had to be some other world beyond ours, out of all the stars in the sky -the ones I could see and couldn't see- with all the planets that may be circling them, there _must_ be some other life forms _somewhere._ Fungus, bacteria, a single ameba, _something._ I let out a small sigh, knowing that I probably would never find out in my lifetime.

I heard a soft clatter from across the room. Pulling my head quickly back in I walked slowly across the carpet towards my TV, leaving the window open. On the shelf above my TV were a bunch of pictures in neat frames. I quickly spotted the one that had collapsed. I reached to pick it up, but stopped suddenly, startled. The picture was from a day spent at the beach with the team. The picture was of me and Nell, with Eric in between us, and Deeks running with his arms up in the background, "photobombing" as he called it. All three of us were smiling really big , part of it had to do with the fact that we were squinting because the sun was in our eyes. The ocean was in the background, and a sky with a few perfect looking white clouds. Nell and I were wearing light T-shirts over our bikinis, and Eric was just in his swim trunks, but the lower half of us was cut off in the picture. Nell was wearing the baseball cap she had stolen from Eric. To get revenge on her, Eric had twisted it around backwards when she wasn't looking, so she was wearing the hat backwards in the picture, and it actually looked pretty cute. She was holding a crab we had found and named Sebastian, over Eric's head. Eric was making a fake-serious face, and I was peeking over my sunglasses like a sexy librarian. Sam had taken the picture and every time I looked at it, I remembered that day. This was one of my favorite pictures, and it was the best picture taken that day. Sam had decided to play photographer, and some of the other pictures included Nell holding Deeks's surfboard, which was twice as tall as her, Deeks throwing sand at my butt while I ran away, Deeks falling off his surfboard, a photo of Callen's hand that he held up because he didn't want his picture taken, and Eric, asleep on a towel with his fingers and toenails painted. Eric fell asleep, and I just happened to have some nail polish in my bag, so Nell and I just couldn't turn down the opportunity.

It's crazy how they can be so close, this all seemed like yesterday. So close, so real, so…_taken for granted_. We didn't realize what we had until it was gone. All those times they asked us out for drinks and we turned them down, not because we had other plans, but because we just didn't want to spend that time with them. I'm not going to sugar-coat things just because they're gone. In all honesty, drunk Nell usually got us into some kind of trouble, and drunk Eric was just awkward as hell. And sometimes we went out without inviting them, in fact, avoiding them. I'm absolutely guilty of thinking many times _Nell will you just shut up_ and _Eric are you seriously wearing that?_ But I realize we all had just been taking them for granted.

Their individuality, what made them _them_, is most often what caused us to have the great times that we did. What other memories could we have made if we hadn't turned them down so much, if we invited them with us all the times we went out and ended up bored out of our minds? I couldn't help but feel guilty. In their last few months, _weeks_, when we could have been helping them live up what little time they might have left on this planet.

But we didn't. And now it's too late.

Resisting the urge to beat myself up on the inside by thinking about any further, I replaced the picture to where it was before. Then I noticed something: of the 16 or so pictures set up on the top of the wall unit, this was the only one that had Eric or Nell in it. All of my other pictures were either family, old friends, or scenery. And out of all those, this one fell

. I turned around my apartment as if someone were watching me, but of course, there was nothing there. Suddenly there was a soft but eerie whistling noise, and in under a second my brain came up with six possible explanations for the noise. My first thought went immediately to supernatural things, like maybe a ghost. I didn't really believe in ghosts, but I also didn't _not_, if that makes any sense. My next thought was the window, but windows don't whistle when they're wide open, and the breeze wasn't strong enough. My next thought was maybe someone making noise out in the hall, but I was on the top floor, so no one would have any reason to be up here at this hour. It could have been the pipes, sometimes they make noise. Then I thought it could be my imagination. Finally, I landed on the most obvious and reasonable answer: the tea kettle.

The whistling got louder as I walked into the kitchen. I took the kettle off and poured it into a mug, dipping the teabag while I waited for it to cool.

I went to go check what was on TV. I flipped through the channels before finding a movie that was about two people who were some of the last people on Earth. I only got through about 20 minutes of it before I fell asleep.

_I am the Earth. I am a wide expanse of land with forests and plains, but I have no oceans. Eric and Nell are in the sky, no, they are the sky. They seemed so close, but no matter how hard we tried, we could not reach each other. Suddenly, my forests caught fire. All the trees I had were burning, sending thick, heavy black smoke up to Eric and Nell. They were coughing and suffering, and I was the cause of it. Their tears, or maybe it was just their eyes watering from the smoke, fell to me and created the oceans I lacked. But they were oceans of guilt. I was the reason they were crying. I wanted to do everything in my power to save them, but it was out of my control and there was nothing I could do…nothing I could do._

I gradually woke up and opened my eyes, realizing I had fallen asleep on my couch. Then I noticed the TV. There was an elderly woman getting all excited about a sponge, and I determined this was paid programming. As I searched for the remote, I cursed quietly to myself. I was still barely awake while I removed pillows and cushions to my right, getting very frustrated. As I leaned further, my foot kicked something, and I looked down. The remote. I could have sworn it wasn't there before. Feeling stupid, I snatched it up and pressed the power button repeatedly, because the buttons never worked on the first try. "Shut up" I muttered to the lady on the TV, pressing the button even harder while she went on and on about absorbency capacity and other sponge-related shit. Finally, my cable box registered that the power button had been hit. Multiple times. So of course it turned off and then back on. "You retard." I muttered as I gave up and walked over to the TV and pressed the button beneath the screen, which I really should have done earlier. I normally don't like to use the word retard, because people get offended, but I use it when I'm alone, and when the word is actually applicable. Such as I often call my TV a retard because it was slow.

I sat back and enjoyed a few moments of silence, but then suddenly I remembered the dream I had. I froze and looked up at the picture of the three of us on top my wall unit, right where I had left it. I felt a tightness in my chest, knowing that I'll never see their faces light up like that again. It just wasn't fair! They both were so young, and looking at the picture of Eric and knowing he was gone, _permanently_. We'll never see that happiness again. It was just a lot to take in, and I hadn't completely processed it yet.

Suddenly, remembering my tea, I checked the clock. It was already 9 in the morning! I took a quick shower and got dressed then got ready to leave for work.

Despite having slept for so long, I was still tired. I just wanted a good night's sleep, and instead all I got was a headache and some cold tea.

43:16:37

By the time I got to work, Callen, Deeks, and Sam were already sitting at their desks. I couldn't tell if Callen had made up with Deeks, because Deeks was here, but he had his head down focused on his paperwork. All three of them greeted me as I moved to my desk and sat down. Sam seemed to be doing okay, for being the protective one, I thought he might have reacted differently. Then again, I had no idea what was going on inside him. Both Callen and Sam, I felt might blame themselves for not being there. Callen, I could tell, was absolutely blaming himself. As the leader, he accepted a certain amount of responsibility for his team. After all, he made the calls and although it was not his idea, after much hesitation, he was the one who ultimately made the call to send Nell and Eric in. On top of that, it was a failed mission. I don't know exactly what they were doing, but I knew they had to download some information on the computer after hacking it, then they could sent it to the satellite thingy, so even if they didn't make it out or ran into trouble for some reason, we would still have the information, so it wasn't all for nothing.

But they didn't even get that far, so it _was_ all for nothing. All in all it was just a shitty mission that fucked things up for everyone.

I thought about maybe visiting Nell later, or going to the boardwalk for pizza. Reaching for my stack of backed up paperwork, I panicked. There were only a few pages left. I pulled them out and for the next hour or so took my time writing really neat and careful. Just as I was trying to remember which of the suspects turned out to be the culprit in our latest case, Hetty walked slowly over to our desks.

Keeping her head bowed, she said "I regret to inform you all that Miss Jones has passed away this morning." She paused, letting that sink in. "I trust you all to make rational decisions in the next few hours. Do not do anything you may regret. And don't forget, I'm always here if anyone needs to talk." Hetty made eye contact with each of us before giving a single nod and walking away.

My heart sank as soon as she go to "has" for I knew exactly how that sentence was going to end. I momentarily felt winded, like there was a big weight on my chest, and all the air was gone from my lungs, when in reality, it was my hope that was gone. It died with Nell, along with my sense of anything innocent left in this world. I always felt Eric and Nell represented innocence. At the end of a tough day, they were there when we got back, cracking jokes or just being themselves, and it almost always cheered us up. I was just fooling myself though because they were not innocent at all. Us agents often forget that while we were in the field firing our weapons, being attacked, and witnessing killings, they were right there in OSP, seeing everything we saw, through video cameras on the big screen. They were right there, calling out names, addresses, and descriptions, watching every gory detail of everything we saw, yet they never said a word about it. If they were affected by it at all, they didn't let it show. Instead, they did their best to subtly cheer us up, because they knew we were the ones being put in real danger, while they only witnessed the second-hand action.

But now who was supposed to whistle the most annoying tune when we had a case? Who was supposed to come down the stairs to greet us when we got back? Who was going to trip over a piece of paper she dropped, giving us all a good laugh; who is going to crack lame jokes, to spaz-dance til he falls to the floor when he finds a spider on him, to manage to break 3 of her fingers on a chair in OSP? To do that awkward, cute "Smile and Denial" as the team and I called it when one of us accused them of liking each other or something to that effect, they would smile awkwardly, blush, shift their feet, and profusely deny it. You can imagine how awkward it got when once Nell responded by saying she had a boyfriend. The look of pure disappointment on Eric's face, Nell didn't see it, but we did.

Now who is going to do all those things? The answer: no one. No one could replace these young, energetic, smart as hell human beings that we called our friends. They were the youngest, and in the least amount of danger. None of us thought in a million years we would ever lose them. I wonder what they would be doing right now? Today was a Saturday, so they wouldn't be at work. They could be anywhere, doing anything they wanted, they could be happy.

But they're not. Dead people don't have emotions.

Losing Eric was like a big punch in the gut with spiked gloves, but losing Nell too was like pouring gasoline on the wound and setting it on fire. Snapping out of my thoughts, I looked over at the rest of the team.

Sam's hands were in fists brought up to his chin. He repeatedly ran his hands over his head and then back down his face. Just looking at him, I could practically feel what he was feeling. As a Navy SEAL, nothing was more important to him than his team. Losing a team member, such as in Dom's situation, would be tragic, yes, but losing a young, innocent girl whom everybody loved like a little sister, and who probably never even shot anyone in her life, _and_ feeling partially responsible for her death? That's a completely different situation.

Deeks had his head down, and his hands over his face. I didn't think he was crying, at least not on the outside. His palms were over his face and he grabbed some of his shaggy hair with his fingers and squeezed it restlessly. I knew he had at least a friendly relationship with Nell. When she started here, he was just new too, so he showed her around and told her ahead of time all the tricks everyone liked to play on the new guys. I also recall once when the whole team went out to the bar together, and a few of us went out to the dance floor. Some guy took Nell's hand and started dancing with her. At first, she went along with it, but when she tried to pull away, he wouldn't let go. Deeks immediately stepped in, pushed the guy up against a wall with his forearm over the guy's neck, and told him to listen to a lady when she says no and "have some goddamn respect". Although Deeks and Nell never really talked much, I knew he saw her as a little sister.

Callen. Callen was like a statue, he hadn't moved. He was frozen in place, staring straight ahead. I couldn't imagine what was going through his head. He was the team leader, and two days ago, by sending them into the field, he accepted full responsibility for anything that happened to them. Now he's lost a third of his team. His expression changed, for just a second, but it was long enough for me to see what he was thinking. He had talked about this before we went into the field two days ago. The look on his face, for just two seconds, was not sorrow, not anger, not anguish, it was guilt. Guilt and regret. He knew he should have taken the time to learn how to hack the terrorists' system himself, then he would have gone into that building, maybe avoided triggering the bomb, and maybe none of this ever would have happened. Maybe we would all be at home, enjoying our Saturday right now, with Eric or Nell just a phone call away. It was a very unlikely possibility, though. There was no way to predict what type of system the terrorists had, and there's no way Callen would have learned a how to hack each one in time. Now his face was stone solid again.

Suddenly his eyes caught mine, and we were staring at each other. We locked eyes for a long time, before he glanced down at my desk, then back to me. He turned the corner of his mouth in kind of a "what are we going to do?" look. His eyes just showed pure hopelessness and defeat.

Suddenly, Sam stood, shoving his chair backwards and sent it rolling across the room until it hit the divider. "See you guys tomorrow" he muttered quietly, but not angrily, as he walked quickly towards the door.

Deeks stood up and said in the same tone as Sam: "I'm going surfing." He gave me a quick glance, but with no emotion whatsoever, and headed towards the door.

Callen looked at me again, and this time I knew exactly what he was thinking. When your team splits up in a time of need, it shows weakness. We're supposed to stick together, be there for each other, that's what teams do, it solidifies our relationship even more. But the team splitting up like this? Showing that we don't need each other, don't even want each other, shows weakness. We weren't like this with Dom. What happened to us?

The team was falling apart.

As it turns out, Eric and Nell were the glue that held the team together. Even the other departments were affected by this, but they would survive. Eventually, everyone will be carrying on with their lives as if nothing ever happened. But the team, the team was broken. There hasn't been a day in my life I didn't think about my father, since Dom's death there hasn't been a day I didn't think about him. Now this memory of Eric and Nell will be forever scarred in my brain, no doubt they'll constantly be on my mind for at least the next few years.

You know how people always say when someone dies to remember the good times and not focus on their death. But as hard as I try, it's becoming harder and harder to picture Nell's face without bandages and burns. And my thoughts of Eric link directly back to him protecting Nell in his last few seconds.

All those cliché sayings that I hate to use are all completely true for this situation.

Good things come in small packages: I never would have imagined when I first met each of them, that they would have such a heavy impact on my life. But my question is, a good or bad impact? All the great times we shared, the memories, those are all good, but I can't think about the good parts without being pulled into thoughts about the bad times.

You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone: now that I think about it, I kind of take everything for granted. Sure, sometimes after a rough day, I'll take a moment to be thankful for my life, and the safety of those around me. If Deeks, Sam, or Callen died tomorrow, I would regret not spending more time with them, just like Nell and Eric. They may be gone, but we'll always carry them in our memories.

Live each day like it's your last: I don't like this saying as much. Yes, I like the concept, not taking time for granted, but it's just not possible. If I knew that today was my last day, I certainly wouldn't be at work. But I have to work every day, or else I couldn't afford to live like that. But, I guess it's just a figure of speech.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust: I guess shit happens. We're all going to die someday, and yeah, it sucks that they had to die sooner rather than later, but

life goes on: and wounds will heal with time, but they will never be forgotten. And in our hearts, they'll always stay, forever young.

~/~


End file.
